How to offer support to someone who is grieving.

Kathryn Day • 1 December 2021

How does grief affect us?

Grief does not discriminate. Whoever we are, we all experience the loss of a loved one at some point in our lives, regardless of our age, our religious belief, our culture, grief is universal. No one ever moves on from the loss of a loved one, but they learn to move forward in life. We dont forget our loved ones but the sadness eventually becomes mixed with appreciation of having had them in their lives. We are all different in the way we grieve, there isn’t a right or wrong way. Some people put on a brave face, go back to work as soon as they can, return to what they consider their normal lives. Others can fall to pieces, and never get to grips with their loss, sometimes taking years before they feel able to cope again. I also know from personal experience that grief can creep up on you in the strangest of places, you can nip out to the supermarket, pick up a tin of beans and your world suddenly falls apart.

Grief doesn’t just leave people with a feeling of loss, it can also involve quite extreme emotions, such as guilt and anger. There may be unfinished conversations with loved ones or feelings or thoughts of what should or shouldn’t have been said or done. There isn’t a set time for recovery, for many it can take up to two years but then others may grieve for much shorter or longer periods. Putting pressure on your loved one to move on in life can actually slow down the healing process.

What should I say?
So many of us worry about what can we say to someone who is grieving, even to the point that we avoid discussing the death of their loved one or in some cases actually avoid seeing or talking the person who is grieving. What is actually needed is not for you to say something profound that can wipe away their sadness in a sentence but for you to just sit and listen. Having our sadness acknowledged by others is so important. Please don’t avoid the subject, we need to remember and reflect on the lives of those we have loved and lost to keep them alive in our minds.

Don’t try to force anyone to open up on how they feel about their grief, as we have said we are all different and have different feelings at different times. Just let them know you are there for them to cry on, talk to or just sit in silence with. Often, comfort can be found by just being with someone who cares, if you can’t think of something to say, a smile, squeeze of the hand, or a reassuring hug can be so helpful.

Often when we are grieving we think others may feel uncomfortable talking about their grief. Put them at their ease, try not to use words that avoid the word 'death', such as passed away, instead actually stating the words death or died whilst expressing your sadness shows the grieving person that you are happy to talk and don't feel uncomfortable.

How can I help?

It can be hard to ask for help. Fear of being seen as an attention seeking, being a burden to others, or just not having the energy to ask for help can prevent someone who is grieving from asking for help. Be consistent, don’t offer lots of help for a week and then back away, let them know you are there for as long as they need you. So instead of saying 'let me know if you need anything', try saying, I’m off to the supermarket, what shall I get for you? There are so many ways in which you offer help, from supporting the planning of the funeral, helping with children, or doing a bit of cleaning or washing. Whatever you offer, it will be appreciated and help the person to focus on their own recovery. In some cultures, it is customary for family and friends to take meals round to the grieving family’s home, an excellent idea.

It’s usually after the funeral and when the deluge of cards and flowers have stopped arriving that a grieving person needs the most support. It is at this time when there are high expectations of returning to normal. The grieving process can last a long time it doesn’t just stop when the funeral finishes. Your support can be most valuable at this time, keep in touch by dropping in, posting a letter or card, or regularly sending a text message.

Don’t make assumptions on outward appearances. Whilst they may present as ‘I am coping’ on the outside, they may be struggling on the inside. Try not to make remarks that puts pressure on someone to keep up appearances such as “You are so strong” or “You look so well.” This can result in them hiding their real feelings. Remember the special days, birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, these all have the power to reignite grief. Acknowledgement that these occasions can evoke sad feelings can be helpful.

Last but not least, look out for signs of depression, if the grief doesn’t seem to be subsiding at all or is in fact getting worse then it may be necessary to encourage a visit to the GP.

Above all, remember no two people grieve the same and sadly we aren't able to wave a magic wand, but we can be there to support and ease the grieving process.

Sources of Support

Help can be accessed by the following organisations. Many more can be found on google.

Cruse

0808 808 1677

Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide

0300 111 5065

Childhood Bereavement Network

020 7843 6309

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Funeral Choices within a Coronovirus/Covid 19 world

by Kathryn Day • 20 March 2020

We are living within an unprecedented situation, a world behind the closed doors of self-isolation, a world of lockdown and potential sadness. As a celebrant working in the funeral industry, it is becoming clearer that funerals will need to change, we need to be creative as we may find themselves in a situation where funerals for our loved ones are not able to be held.

From Funeral Sound Tracks to Live Music

by Kathryn Day • 24 February 2020

We’ve all attended the funeral where no one sings the hymns, a lonely backing track of an organ complete with choir plays in isolation with all guests standing and mouthing the words to ‘All Things Bright and Beautiful’. Family’s often angst over what music should be played for entry, something processional and slightly dirgy, the music for reflection is often a sad and sombre piece giving permission for all to cry and the exit upbeat track can pose problems of suitability or appropriateness. Music is probably the most important aspect of funerals, we associate music with recollection and remembrance, supporting us in our grief as a way of remembering our loved ones. When we hear music at a funeral, it can allow us the quiet time to just sit, listen and reflect. So, when choosing pieces of music that reflect the life, interests, and hobbies of our loved one, we are choosing a wonderful way to personalise the ceremony. With the current shift from religious funerals to celebrant led ‘celebration of life ceremonies’, the time is right for us to rethink music options. It isn’t just the listening of music that is important but also the collective singing. Many ceremonies don’t include any singing anymore and if they do, they are often hymn’s which are accompanied by a backing track similar to a karaoke, rather than by an organist. Choosing a sing free occasion can result in a loss to a substance of the ceremony as singing together with a live accompaniment is a wonderful way to involve everyone in the service, families and friends coming together to celebrate a life with a collective voice. We don’t need to choose hymns (although when accompanied by an organ some sound wonderful) but there are other choices available as well, any song can be sung, it is so much more meaningful for everyone to join in singing our loved one’s favourite tune, such a wonderful tribute. Other musical aspects can also be lost to taped music, the sound of live music being played has the power to evoke emotion in a way that no soundtrack ever can. To hear a piece of music sang or performed can convey the character of our loved one and it is so personal to have it performed with care and love. Live musicians can add artistry to the occasion, they can add and change the atmosphere of the event, their expertise will offer sophistication to a sentimental day. We need to move away from the recorded hymns and music tracks and start to consider the merits of live music, such as Harpists, Violinists, Cellists, Guitarist, Pianists, choirs to name but a few, because there is wealth of wonderful music out there to celebrate the life of our loved ones.

Don't just live an eco friendly life, make sure to have an eco friendly death too!

by Kathryn Day • 12 November 2019

If you hadn’t heard already, the world is hotting up and we are hurling ourselves into extinction, we have been given less than ten years by various scientific bodies as well as the UN before it is irreversible. To put a stop to the catastrophe waiting to happen requires not only major shifts in the way we live our lives but also in our deaths too! Some years ago, we started to opt for cremations. The use of land for burial was becoming scarce and chemicals used in the embalming process were polluting the earth, cremation was seen as the greener option. However, the more that we understand how CO2 affects our environment the more we realise that cremation is contributing negatively to climate change. The Funeral Industry has witnessed increasing energy outputs as the number of cremations have risen in the last 10 years by 50,000 in the UK. In order to fully understand the effect on our environment I did some research and came up with these CO2 comparison which describes well what we are dealing with. An average furnace burns at extremely high temperatures ranging between 870 - 980 degrees Celsius, taking a minimum of an hour to incinerate one body depending on their size. As you can imagine the power needed to maintain this level of heat is colossal: To burn one body = 400kg of CO2 That is the equivalent of the energy use of an average house for 11.23 days Or driving a car non-stop for 500 miles For the whole of 2017 which was (467,748 cremations) = 187099200kg of CO2 The energy use of an average house being met for 14,392 years Or a 747 airplane could fly for 246 days non-stop Or driving a car for 233,874,000 miles This isn’t the full picture, especially when we also throw into the mix the use of the car to get to a funeral. From the Funeral Director bringing the deceased and their close family members to the ceremony and family and friends driving from all over the UK and sometimes flying in from abroad the levels of CO2 are increased. The CO2 is a huge problem on its own without considering the many other nasties that are released into our atmosphere from a cremation which include: • toxins and carcinogens of carbon monoxide, nitrogen oxide, and sulphur oxide; • volatile acids such as hydrogen chloride and hydrogen fluoride, both of which form during vaporization of plastics and insulation • mercury (often from dental fillings) • compounds such as benzenes, furans and acetone are also emitted and react with HCl and HF under combustion conditions to form polychlorinated dibenzodioxins (PCDDs) and polychlorinated dibenzofurans (PCDFs), both of which cause cancer. What are our alternatives? There are the obvious changes that can be made, electric hearses, car sharing, the use of webcams to allow those family and friends further away to join in. Luckily, we are now witnessing an increasing number of alternatives being marketed which can be considered much more environmentally friendly. Resomation This is a cremation but with the use of water rather than flames. Using a solution of water and alkali-based solution, a body is immersed which then gently speeds up the natural end of life processes. Natural Burials There are an increasing amount of Natural Burial Grounds being developed and they are beautiful! Bodies are buried without a barrier (no linings) and allowed to decompose naturally in the soil. Trees or plants can be planted on the site providing a living memorial. Say no to embalming It is not necessary to embalm a body to halt decomposition. It is a brutal process that places the mortician at increased risk of cancer due to the carcinogenic properties of the chemicals used. There are Funeral Directors who are now using green embalming methods to prepare bodies with the use of oils and refrigeration. Choose coffins wisely (or preferably not at all)! There are a wide range of alternatives to the hard wood coffin with brass handles. Consider using bamboo, banana leaf or willow, all 100% biodegradable or even a shroud. Consider something very different! What about a Sky burial, where bodies are taken to the top of mountains to be eaten by vultures. Good for the environment and wildlife. Or a Burial at sea wrapped in a shroud allowing for natural decomposition. There is also the Infinity Burial Suit also known as the Mushroom Suit. This is a body costume that is created with the use of threads infused with mushroom spores allowing a natural decomposition to take place in the ground. We can no longer stick to the CO2 suffocating traditions of a typical UK funeral, we have to reduce the rising lethal amounts of CO2. There are alternatives out there that can help in our fight for survival. Below is a list of websites that provide help and advice on various aspects that I have mentioned here. Don’t just live an eco-friendly life, have an eco-friendly death too! https://www.goodfuneralguide.co.uk http://www.naturaldeath.org.uk https://www.anaturalundertaking.co.uk/ https://beyond.life/help-centre/arranging-a-funeral/arrange-eco-funeral/